The Geek/Nerd Date Advice Line: How about we sit back, relax and tune to our favorite...er, linux radio station!!!

That's right...Linux is on the radio. "Say what", you say? "Bazinga!", I say.

Well, dedicated to the fictitious, yet, affable Dr. Sheldon Cooper, this radio station has a voice that broadcasts the latest stable kernel of Linux, now at 3.6.1 using eSpeak (there's some geek-speak for you), an open source text-to-speech synthesizer.

Of course, I did copy a huge chunk of that aforementioned description from the website, linux.fm

And if you thought that was crazy, they have a sister-site, whitenoise.fm (anyone remember the movie?) that plays white noise, pink noise and brown noise.

Yeah, I am not going to go into all that. There are a lot of people pretending to be busy updating Wikipedia with the definitions of what each of them means. I am going to steer clear!

So, if you do find a rather stoic biologist for a date, maybe the two of you can play some of these interesting stations as you relax...

I know what you are thinking..gotta get the date first right?

References:

1. Linux Radio: http://www.linux.fm/

2. White Noise FM: http://www.whitenoise.fm/

Claimer: Views presented in this article probably or definitely allude to people real, unreal, imaginary, virtual and otherwise. Any harm or libel cast on people dead, alive or transient is either intentional or otherwise. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author, however he refuses to take responsibility for said views and believes the use of "airquotes" to be a birthright. Claims not included in this claim are also claimed.

Copyright Information: Whereas the blog postings themselves are stolen by the author from the recesses of his deranged mind, he holds all the rights to everything on this blog. Yet, he secretly hopes you will copy his stuff to satisfy his ego. He may still sue you to prove to the world that he makes stuff worth pirating...seriously, still reading this?

Recent "book" theft report from Alabama raises several questions...

The internet is a strange place full of unverifiable rumors and urban legends, ranging from black, socialist, wealth-distributing Presidents to claims of libraries in Alabama!

Several readers have contacted this blogger about shocking rumors causing waves across the internet with claims of a library in existence somewhere in Alabama! The biggest event since the revelation of the "Big Foot" or the "Sasquatch" leaves several unanswered questions than answers:

1. That there is a library in Alabama, and the possibility that more than one exist..!

2. That these libraries do house a book or more than one...

3. That there is a book lover and more than one such book lover in Alabama...

Speculations

The unconfirmed rumors of book lovers and libraries have spread like wildfires across the interwebs (no, not really), with far reaching discussions on what this could mean for a state with bigoted justices of peace (yeah, don't remember that one do ya or y'all?)...

Reality, revisited

All jokes aside, why does a library wait till 200 books are stolen. I mean, at some point you need to start paying attention that books are being stolen right? I mean, in a year, how many books do you expect to be stolen? 10, maybe 20? Even 50 is acceptable?

If you let someone walk away with 222 books over 2 years, at a statistically incorrect average of 111 books a year...your library just, er, sucks!?!

So why bother holding the person on bond for $10,000? Since you are also claiming she was jobless (a detail they could have skipped - not sure what the harping is all about) able to walk past your "security" system as a book lover/thief...why not hire her?

She loves books - won't have a reason to steal, and will probably take good care of your books. But no, this is Alabama....sweet home, eh?

Reference:

1. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/12/02/ap/strange/main7111852.shtml?tag=cbsnewsLeadStoriesAreaMain;cbsnewsLeadStoriesHeadlines

Claimer: Views presented in this article probably or definitely allude to people real, unreal, imaginary, virtual and otherwise. Any harm or libel cast on people dead, alive or transient is either intentional or otherwise. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author, however he refuses to take responsibility for said views and believes the use of "airquotes" to be a birthright. Claims not included in this claim are also claimed.

Copyright Information: Whereas the blog postings themselves are stolen by the author from the recesses of his deranged mind, he holds all the rights to everything on this blog. Yet, he secretly hopes you will copy his stuff to satisfy his ego. He may still sue you to prove to the world that he makes stuff worth pirating...seriously, still reading this?

If machines became self-aware...

Hollywood has made movies about this stuff. Schwarzenegger has done steroids over this stuff..but if machines did become self aware, do you think they will go all out to wreak vengeance on us...or maybe, they will simply, er, flip the bird?!?!!

Spokane, Washington has some evidence...a pedestrian crossing sign makes a definitive "sign" when asking you not to walk. Of course, city officials would like for you to think otherwise. Speculations range from,

a. A glitch (yeah, right you say?), or,

b. snow, that is wedged into the sign.

I am sure reasoning "b" would be acceptable...however, look at the image and/or the video and judge for yourself!



For more:

http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/offbeat/crossing-sign-gives-pedestrians-the-middle-finger-120210


Claimer: Views presented in this article probably or definitely allude to people real, unreal, imaginary, virtual and otherwise. Any harm or libel cast on people dead, alive or transient is either intentional or otherwise. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author, however he refuses to take responsibility for said views and believes the use of "airquotes" to be a birthright. Claims not included in this claim are also claimed.

Copyright Information: Whereas the blog postings themselves are stolen by the author from the recesses of his deranged mind, he holds all the rights to everything on this blog. Yet, he secretly hopes you will copy his stuff to satisfy his ego. He may still sue you to prove to the world that he makes stuff worth pirating...seriously, still reading this?

A little something to offend everyone, except engineers, maybe...

I know, I haven't been blogging a lot here. I have been traveling a bit and since my cat Squeaky has entered my life, I have hardly had time to do anything - but, blog about the cat of course! You can follow Squeaky and his adventures here:

http://yamanoor.com/blog/

So, in the last 24 hours or so, I have seen some excellent cartoons! They seem to expound my life's philosophies on certain "lines" of work, and my own as well...

Let's start with Scott Adams!
[Click to enlarge in a new window]

Source: Obviously, dilbert.com

Commentary: Er, let's leave well be.

And then there is "xkcd" that had this:
[Click to enlarge in a new window]

Source:http://xkcd.com

Commentary:  This one could take a minute to get to you...

theoatmeal.com

And then "theoatmeal.com" had this offensive thing to say: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/customer_service

See, I didn't have to say much, and yet, I offended you, or made you laugh...

Claimer: Views presented in this article probably or definitely allude to people real, unreal, imaginary, virtual and otherwise. Any harm or libel cast on people dead, alive or transient is either intentional or otherwise. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author, however he refuses to take responsibility for said views and believes the use of "airquotes" to be a birthright. Claims not included in this claim are also claimed.

Copyright Information: Whereas the blog postings themselves are stolen by the author from the recesses of his deranged mind, he holds all the rights to everything on this blog. Yet, he secretly hopes you will copy his stuff to satisfy his ego. He may still sue you to prove to the world that he makes stuff worth pirating...seriously, still reading this?

Let's have some tea and truthiness to go with it...

So, tea is the new Kool-Aid. Jamestown is now upon us...okay, enough with the disaster scenarios. For someone who drank "ocho" and learned about the practice of Zen, I am tired of this nonsense with Glenn Beck. Even saying his name wants me to throw up. In any case, why sit and whine?

Do we need to counteract the silliness?

The tea baggers do present some cheap entertainment. However, would it make sense for us to keep it going? Probably. But how about we make it more fun and a bit serious at the same time?

Let's get Stephen Colbert, his Reporrr and truthiness involved!

This is exactly what one "mrsammercer" on "reddit" thought up and many of us agree.

Is God or Douglas Adams going to get involved?

Caution: The following section may involve sarcasm and require reading and information processing skills...

Here is what someone had to say?!

"We have our sign from God: Colbert Rally on 101010 == 42. No need to say more."

So, it looks like the big, funny day may be 10.10.10!

Need I say more? So, either the spirit of Douglas Adams or a carpenter's dad will definitely be involved...

Although, there's more "ideas" on reddit. Like this one:

"Idea: Get Tina Fey to do a speech at the rally..."

Here's to some entertainment...

So, if it's your "cuppa tea", help restore truthiness!

http://www.colbertrally.com/

http://www.reddit.com/r/colbertrally

Claimer: Views presented in this article probably or definitely allude to people real, unreal, imaginary, virtual and otherwise. Any harm or libel cast on people dead, alive or transient is either intentional or otherwise. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author, however he refuses to take responsibility for said views and believes the use of "airquotes" to be a birthright. Claims not included in this claim are also claimed.

Copyright Information: Whereas the blog postings themselves are stolen by the author from the recesses of his deranged mind, he holds all the rights to everything on this blog. Yet, he secretly hopes you will copy his stuff to satisfy his ego. He may still sue you to prove to the world that he makes stuff worth pirating...seriously, still reading this?

Microsoft's "titillating" s*xcapades..

It was really hard to come up with a title for the post. Not that the topic was a tough one, but that there are so many titles that there is no end...however, I chose "titillating" from the article referenced here. It seems quaintly appropriate.

And I know I am a little late on the post, but when it comes to s*x and Microsoft one is never...eh, let's move on.

Feigning Innocence!

Microsoft was organizing some sort of IT brouhaha in Australia. Now, I have not been there, and I would rather not...in case you don't know, they kill Indians and the police pretend it's not racism. Anyhoo..

They decided to "titillate" the IT folks attending the conference to some "meter maids". No, not to teach them the virtues of appropriate parking, the other kind. What other kind? Well, the "gentlemen's club" kind, the kind as Lisa Scottoline would put it, where no "gentlemen" would ever go!

Well, when you hear "meter maids" being used as a "titillation", what do you think?

Yeah, me too. Apparently though, Microsoft didn't expect the meter maids to show up, er, half naked...although if you did a photographic comparison of the surface area to clothed area, you would notice "half" doesn't cut, er, cover it.

So, anyone here buying Microsoft's feigned innocence?

You might, if this was the first time that Microsoft decided to get some extra "help" to encourage their Israeli resellers, if you may.

http://ysrihari.blogspot.com/2010/01/sex-scandal-computers-and-illicit.html

Wait there's more!

You didn't think I would leave you with a soporific post about Microsoft hiring hookers did you? I hope not. What would be the value if this blog chronicled things sans the irony they bring to the doorstep of our inner eyes? You are right I am stretching the point, just filling space to keep the suspense going and all that...

The conference included a section called "Women in IT". Well, if you stepped back and said, "So, what's the big deal?", there is definitely something wrong with you. Or, you may fit right in with Microsoft's marketing department. Who knows?

Much tweeting followed of course - that is right, hire a few meter maids, offend a few women and then hoist your women employees' to tweet down any sign of dissent or protest - a great strategy, any day!

The question I have is, if Microsoft had hired any available "Meter Men" would any of us be saying the same things about men being objectified? Or is that the wrong conclusion to draw?

In any case, the next time Microsoft holds a conference, I want in...wonder what they will do next!

It must be so much fun working at Microsoft. Oh why did I not focus on learning about pointers and work at Microsoft. Damn you all!

References:

1. http://www.theage.com.au/technology/technology-news/meter-maids-stunt-backfires-at-microsoft-geek-gathering-20100826-13t2f.html

2. http://www.metermaids.com/

Claimer: Views presented in this article probably or definitely allude to people real, unreal, imaginary, virtual and otherwise. Any harm or libel cast on people dead, alive or transient is either intentional or otherwise. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author, however he refuses to take responsibility for said views and believes the use of "airquotes" to be a birthright. Claims not included in this claim are also claimed.

Copyright Information: Whereas the blog postings themselves are stolen by the author from the recesses of his deranged mind, he holds all the rights to everything on this blog. Yet, he secretly hopes you will copy his stuff to satisfy his ego. He may still sue you to prove to the world that he makes stuff worth pirating...seriously, still reading this?

Scr** "The HP Way", I say let's have Hurd run for Congress...the "New" Silicon Valley way...

Among the rather "blah" news we were delivered this week is the fact that Hurd used HP funds to er, pay for his "sexual harassment"!

Then the vultures descended. Apparently, people can't pay for their affairs with company money. And then there is this HP way people keep talking about. Ethics, shmethics...look, once you have fairly ruined a company in Silicon Valley....things start looking up!

Where should we start?

Well, look at Fiorina. She took HP's stock, well, er, let's not go there shall we? And for that singular achievement, she wants to replace Barbara Boxer...

And then, there is the MEG. eBay stocks floored and co-workers got shoved and then settlements took place, but hey, who better for the Governor of California.

So, it would be good for Michael Malone keep talking about the HP way, innovation and all that. Isn't the game - buy random companies, fire thousands of workers, shove a few workers, do other stuff to a few more and then run for office as ... ?

Come on!

Since some of our Silicon Valley "behemoths" (shall we just call them that?) have already taken up the severely selfless task of wanting to be Governor and Senator, I think we need to add a few, such as Hurd to the House, and simply ignore all these detractors who want innovation, care for employees and such...

I mean, did you release a device knowing it had reception issues? Well, first blame the carrier and then fire some random executive for your "antennagate". Unfortunately, we can't ask HIM to run for office, he is already God...

This, my dear friends, is the "New" Silicon Valley way! Come...!! Be one of our executives that shade outside the bounds of ethics and law and run for office!!!

Reference:

To see Michael Malone's anachronistic rant of the "old ways":

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSN0822209420100808

Claimer: Views presented in this article probably or definitely allude to people real, unreal, imaginary, virtual and otherwise. Any harm or libel cast on people dead, alive or transient is either intentional or otherwise. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author, however he refuses to take responsibility for said views and believes the use of "airquotes" to be a birthright. Claims not included in this claim are also claimed.

Copyright Information: Whereas the blog postings themselves are stolen by the author from the recesses of his deranged mind, he holds all the rights to everything on this blog. Yet, he secretly hopes you will copy his stuff to satisfy his ego. He may still sue you to prove to the world that he makes stuff worth pirating...seriously, still reading this?

Prop 8, a great model to bankrupt the Mormon "all" churches...

Preface: The summer of blog, my effort to blog as I continue to stay busy continues, and this blog, posted with pleasure, is of course not nearly as funny and is more a real "weblog" or commentary. Unlike "internet thief" Julian Assange, I have my own opinions, the making of a real journalist, trained, paid or otherwise.

Prop 8 was overturned today, August 4th, 2010. It is not a victory, and a victory that should never have existed anyway. The Mormon church and it's faithfuls of other religions (you would be surprised how religious congregations come together when it is time to spread hatred) hoisted this on Californians (including tax payers like me) and had us spend money defending something that should have been a God an Evolution given right to our state anyway.

This got me thinking - they already wanted a stay, so they have the money to spend on it. And they want to take this to the "conservative" (apparently this is what we are calling it nowadays) Supreme Court.

So, why not give them a run for their money? How about we keep them engaged, constantly, legally?

Like go to Utah and try to pass legislation on gay marriage, for example. Or in any number of states. They will come for a fight, right?

How long can they go on promoting inequality? How long will people buy hatred as a church message? Why not test and find out?

After all, they have already experienced moral bankruptcy...

After all, their "refudiater"-in-chief's daughter couldn't even hold a sham engagement long enough...what do these people really know about marriage? Not a lot, you betcha!

Imaging if any of these geniuses spent money on cleaning pedophiles off their own churches. Oh well, we can't allow a good thing get in the way of targeting minorities, right?

Well, now that Prop 8 has been stemmed temporarily, don't think we are done. Next up, Prop 23....


Claimer: Views presented in this article probably or definitely allude to people real, unreal, imaginary, virtual and otherwise. Any harm or libel cast on people dead, alive or transient is either intentional or otherwise. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author, however he refuses to take responsibility for said views and believes the use of "airquotes" to be a birthright. Claims not included in this claim are also claimed.

Copyright Information: Whereas the blog postings themselves are stolen by the author from the recesses of his deranged mind, he holds all the rights to everything on this blog. Yet, he secretly hopes you will copy his stuff to satisfy his ego. He may still sue you to prove to the world that he makes stuff worth pirating...seriously, still reading this?

How do bad email campaigns "effect" me? They "effect"ively make me mad..thank you IBM and V3

Alright, you get paid for writing stuff and stuffing people's emails.

You also get to call yourself editors and such other wonderful titles.

You haven't had any reason to prove Green's Theorem, or worry about Bessel's functions for a day in your life.

You have had to write crap about Keats and Wordsworth (and yes, I was and continue to be better at that as well).

You get paid more than people who routinely function better than you.

But you can't spell?

Alright, dramatic effects (or was it affects?) aside, here is what grinds my gears:

Do click on the magical wonder that the screen-shot is.

Here are a few thoughts to some of our friendly, neighborhood editors and marketing geniuses:

1. Go back to grammar school.

2. Alternately, simply go away!

3. Find a different job, one that doesn't involve spelling in the only language you know (this newsletter comes from two companies, one in the United Kingdom and one in the former colonies)

4. Use "spell checkers". Not, Chinese checkers - I am not saying Chinese people are bad at checking grammar (they are probably better than you, given, er...). I am referring to the game, "Chinese Checkers".

5. Show up to work a little less drunk...

Irony

The irony of this email campaign involves the following:

1. questioning how inaccurate information effects, er, affects, er, who knows,  me.

2. presenting me with a tool called "smartfacts" (the space in-between or the lack thereof could be an error, or not, or, again, who knows?).

It amazes me that some of us have to work so much harder than the others....or work at all!

Still confused?

Here is how affect and effect differ:

http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/affect.html

Claimer: Views presented in this article probably or definitely allude to people real, unreal, imaginary, virtual and otherwise. Any harm or libel cast on people dead, alive or transient is either intentional or otherwise. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author, however he refuses to take responsibility for said views and believes the use of "airquotes" to be a birthright. Claims not included in this claim are also claimed.

Copyright Information: Whereas the blog postings themselves are stolen by the author from the recesses of his deranged mind, he holds all the rights to everything on this blog. Yet, he secretly hopes you will copy his stuff to satisfy his ego. He may still sue you to prove to the world that he makes stuff worth pirating...seriously, still reading this?

Pre-announcing Apple's New Product: iBlame!

I know some of you are out there, braving 100+ temperatures, taking precious vacation time off, even biting your dog's nails (because yours are already bitten and gone)....because God, er, Steve Jobs has called for a conference.

Actually, I am a bit surprised why it doesn't become a big deal when he runs out of toilet paper. iToilet paper? Toilet iPaper?

Anyway, I was roaming around the streets and one more of Apple's drunk engineers (coming soon: iAA or iApple for the vagabond inebriates) had a prototype of the latest product that will be announced at the "conference" tomorrow!

So, if you hear that the Silicon Valley cops (having solved all other crimes, they are ready to function as Jobs' private security using my tax money) arrest me by tomorrow for pre-releasing photos and descriptions of Apple's products, I hope you understand the sacrifice and pain I am going through for you..I am a blogger, not even a journalist...

So, what is the product going to be?

After throwing his jacket to the crowds and signing across the chests of raging fans, Steve Jobs will pull out of h... , the new product!

At this point, as usual, the birds will stop flying, the waves will stop churning, babies will stop crying and the moon will eclipse.

iBlame!, the product

Yes! Steve Jobs has had enough. How can anyone even possibly, remotely doubt that he is ready to be blamed? So, at the conference tomorrow (rather, later today) he is going to announce a product that will be compatible with all future Apple products but will not function with unapproved third party hardware, software, firmware, infirmware and such...

This product will have the following hitherto unknown functions that will fix all previously known issues:

In case of defect, damage, or even a complete lack of functionality on the part of any Apple product, the following will be the order in which Apple will place blame:

1. The hardware manufacturer (read Chinese teenagers) is to blame.

2. The third party service provider is to blame.

3. Mercury is retrograde

4. Saturn is shining his light up URa.....

5. It's bad juju, or Microsoft, hey, maybe it's Google, or those tribbles...!

6. It's Yamanoor Srihari's fault..

7. You, the customer (for further comprehension, consult Toyota, which likes to prove all it's customers are iDiots too).

Customer and Congressional Reaction

Even before iBlame is released, customer reaction has been anticipatorily rampant. For example, it appears that Democrat Senator Schumer has decided to apologize, er, grovel, no, "urge" Apple the following: "to come up with a "permanent fix" to the problem at no cost to customers."

I also heard that Grassley and Rep Barton were pissed at Schumer because Schumer beat him to the race. Grassley was still writing one of his usual, ineffective letters and Barton wants to be the first to apologize to companies when they get blamed for what they did.

In any case, it is anticipated that one of the responses will be "Congress can go legislate itself".

Analysts' projections for iBlame's success:

The same analysts that brought you the financial success that the last three years have been, believe that iBlame will have the following successes:

1. No matter what happens, Apple won't have to recall it's devices. They can write fake code to show fake bars, or even attach twigs to white bricks for antennas.

2. Steve Jobs will continue to be God. After all, he survived his own, personal, special, private "Stock Backdating" scam. People who survive that can really do whatever the heck they please.

3. People will still continue to call Apple, it's design and products "innovative". After all, if you don't bother to find out what you are talking about.. (wait, did I say that loud?, ah, the backspace key fell off, shoulda bought Apple you know!).

4. Given how business friendly the Obama Administration has become, what with Goldman Sachs being asked to throw chuckchump change (less than one day's gain in stock value) at the SEC, and Glaxo getting to keep it's useless, and in fact potentially harmful Avandia on the market thanks to the FDA, Apple can be sure that Jobs is safe, and the iPhone can get approved as a medical device or a perpetual motion machine. At this point, it is their choice to ask, or order anything...

More Customer Reaction

After I found out about the impending release of iBlame, I bid adieu to the intoxicated employee and decided to seek some more customer reaction.

Disclaimer: My interviews with Apple customers are as factual as the iPhone's signal bars...

Walking down the street, I talked to a few avid customers. Here are some reactions:

"I mean, it's like the iBlame sounds like a kewl idea. As long as he can blame someone else for the problem and send bloggers to prison, he can keep making stuff for me to throw more money at him right? Screw those orphans and dying dogs, I donated 10 cents through an SMS from my $200 phone I never needed. I am like, that's sooo 21st century!"

I pointed to another customer that the iPhone may have functionality issues. His response was, "Even if he sold crap in a white box, I would buy it". When I pointed out the irony in his statement, unaffected, he said, "Well, there you go".

So, do you think I will be able to tweet myself out of prison? Or hell?

Claimer: Views presented in this article probably or definitely allude to people real, unreal, imaginary, virtual and otherwise. Any harm or libel cast on people dead, alive or transient is either intentional or otherwise. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author, however he refuses to take responsibility for said views and believes the use of "airquotes" to be a birthright. Claims not included in this claim are also claimed.

Copyright Information: Whereas the blog postings themselves are stolen by the author from the recesses of his deranged mind, he holds all the rights to everything on this blog. Yet, he secretly hopes you will copy his stuff to satisfy his ego. He may still sue you to prove to the world that he makes stuff worth pirating...seriously, still reading this?