Friday, July 16, 2010

Pre-announcing Apple's New Product: iBlame!

I know some of you are out there, braving 100+ temperatures, taking precious vacation time off, even biting your dog's nails (because yours are already bitten and gone)....because God, er, Steve Jobs has called for a conference.

Actually, I am a bit surprised why it doesn't become a big deal when he runs out of toilet paper. iToilet paper? Toilet iPaper?

Anyway, I was roaming around the streets and one more of Apple's drunk engineers (coming soon: iAA or iApple for the vagabond inebriates) had a prototype of the latest product that will be announced at the "conference" tomorrow!

So, if you hear that the Silicon Valley cops (having solved all other crimes, they are ready to function as Jobs' private security using my tax money) arrest me by tomorrow for pre-releasing photos and descriptions of Apple's products, I hope you understand the sacrifice and pain I am going through for you..I am a blogger, not even a journalist...

So, what is the product going to be?

After throwing his jacket to the crowds and signing across the chests of raging fans, Steve Jobs will pull out of h... , the new product!

At this point, as usual, the birds will stop flying, the waves will stop churning, babies will stop crying and the moon will eclipse.

iBlame!, the product

Yes! Steve Jobs has had enough. How can anyone even possibly, remotely doubt that he is ready to be blamed? So, at the conference tomorrow (rather, later today) he is going to announce a product that will be compatible with all future Apple products but will not function with unapproved third party hardware, software, firmware, infirmware and such...

This product will have the following hitherto unknown functions that will fix all previously known issues:

In case of defect, damage, or even a complete lack of functionality on the part of any Apple product, the following will be the order in which Apple will place blame:

1. The hardware manufacturer (read Chinese teenagers) is to blame.

2. The third party service provider is to blame.

3. Mercury is retrograde

4. Saturn is shining his light up URa.....

5. It's bad juju, or Microsoft, hey, maybe it's Google, or those tribbles...!

6. It's Yamanoor Srihari's fault..

7. You, the customer (for further comprehension, consult Toyota, which likes to prove all it's customers are iDiots too).

Customer and Congressional Reaction

Even before iBlame is released, customer reaction has been anticipatorily rampant. For example, it appears that Democrat Senator Schumer has decided to apologize, er, grovel, no, "urge" Apple the following: "to come up with a "permanent fix" to the problem at no cost to customers."

I also heard that Grassley and Rep Barton were pissed at Schumer because Schumer beat him to the race. Grassley was still writing one of his usual, ineffective letters and Barton wants to be the first to apologize to companies when they get blamed for what they did.

In any case, it is anticipated that one of the responses will be "Congress can go legislate itself".

Analysts' projections for iBlame's success:

The same analysts that brought you the financial success that the last three years have been, believe that iBlame will have the following successes:

1. No matter what happens, Apple won't have to recall it's devices. They can write fake code to show fake bars, or even attach twigs to white bricks for antennas.

2. Steve Jobs will continue to be God. After all, he survived his own, personal, special, private "Stock Backdating" scam. People who survive that can really do whatever the heck they please.

3. People will still continue to call Apple, it's design and products "innovative". After all, if you don't bother to find out what you are talking about.. (wait, did I say that loud?, ah, the backspace key fell off, shoulda bought Apple you know!).

4. Given how business friendly the Obama Administration has become, what with Goldman Sachs being asked to throw chuckchump change (less than one day's gain in stock value) at the SEC, and Glaxo getting to keep it's useless, and in fact potentially harmful Avandia on the market thanks to the FDA, Apple can be sure that Jobs is safe, and the iPhone can get approved as a medical device or a perpetual motion machine. At this point, it is their choice to ask, or order anything...

More Customer Reaction

After I found out about the impending release of iBlame, I bid adieu to the intoxicated employee and decided to seek some more customer reaction.

Disclaimer: My interviews with Apple customers are as factual as the iPhone's signal bars...

Walking down the street, I talked to a few avid customers. Here are some reactions:

"I mean, it's like the iBlame sounds like a kewl idea. As long as he can blame someone else for the problem and send bloggers to prison, he can keep making stuff for me to throw more money at him right? Screw those orphans and dying dogs, I donated 10 cents through an SMS from my $200 phone I never needed. I am like, that's sooo 21st century!"

I pointed to another customer that the iPhone may have functionality issues. His response was, "Even if he sold crap in a white box, I would buy it". When I pointed out the irony in his statement, unaffected, he said, "Well, there you go".

So, do you think I will be able to tweet myself out of prison? Or hell?

Claimer: Views presented in this article probably or definitely allude to people real, unreal, imaginary, virtual and otherwise. Any harm or libel cast on people dead, alive or transient is either intentional or otherwise. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author, however he refuses to take responsibility for said views and believes the use of "airquotes" to be a birthright. Claims not included in this claim are also claimed.

Copyright Information: Whereas the blog postings themselves are stolen by the author from the recesses of his deranged mind, he holds all the rights to everything on this blog. Yet, he secretly hopes you will copy his stuff to satisfy his ego. He may still sue you to prove to the world that he makes stuff worth pirating...seriously, still reading this?