Thursday, July 30, 2009

Apple Admits: iPhone is a national security threat

[Please click on the following to read original article]

In a shocking revelation, Apple has admitted that it has been creating weapons of ass destruction. Fearing that the DHS might already have too much on it's hands, and still wanting to let the Government know of it's acts, Apple decided to contact some government agency - ideally one that does not fully understand national security, has no means of handling national security but has the serendipitous nature of having too much time on it's hands - The Copyright Office.

In it's admission, Apple laid out the following:

1. The iPhone takes advantage of vicarious murderers customers with too much money on their hands and prevents Vegas' economy from benefiting through these guys.

2. It is possible for someone to collect a lot of iPhones in a bag, climb a tall building and launch it at unsuspecting passers-by on the streets below. Given the number of stray iPhones that can be collected and launched thusly, the statistical repercussions are simply alarming!

3. Since Apple has perfected the art of seducing greedy idiots (I mean, they mean, oh well...) customers into waiting unnecessarily for white bricks, it is quite possible that extra-ordinary as they are, the potential customers might take up arms against Apple..

4. Other possibilities exist, but in view of national security concerns, Apple decided to not disclose these to anyone except the relevant Federal Agency - the Copyright Office.

Solution Announced

In view of these extenuating circumstances and cognizant, measurable threats to national security, Apple views it as imperative that every customer who ever buys Apple products subject themselves to the personal scrutiny of Steve Jobs.

In a magnanimous gesture to the American populace (this national security threat does not extend to Europe whose Copyright offices, also with nothing better to do remain unaware of such revelations from Apple), Steve Jobs has agreed to approve every app, every Craigslist personals postings and every naked self-portrait generated by their customers to make sure that they don't contain anything objectionable to our security.

The Obama Administration Weighs In

Considering the gravity of the threat from iPhones, the Obama Administration is said to have launched a full blown search for the right person to buy free beers to diffuse the situation.

Please forward this important national security message to everyone you may know, or not know!


Claimer: Views presented in this article probably or definitely allude to people real, unreal, imaginary, virtual and otherwise. Any harm or libel cast on people dead, alive or transient is either intentional or otherwise. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author, however he refuses to take responsibility for said views and believes the use of "airquotes" to be a birthright. Claims not included in this claim are also claimed.

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